He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
