New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
