Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
