if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
