Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I have post one night stand depression
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