things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
