So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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