god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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