He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
