So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
