R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
