im holly from the hills drunk
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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