we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
