Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
