hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I am available for nakedness
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
