I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
