I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
