oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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