i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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