it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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