He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
