It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
