I just saw a hot homeless man
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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