If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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