theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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