I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
