It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
