I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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