just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
