He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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