I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
