I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
