Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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