I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
