So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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