Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
