what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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