wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You may now shotgun with the bride
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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