Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
