The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
