he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
