I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
