I wish I could teleport
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
fuck your aforementioned shoe
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
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