I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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