My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
