If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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