i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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