WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
