We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
