the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
