Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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