i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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