I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
