dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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