Hey man sorry I got all grabby
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
