I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
