Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
