go do what you do best...puke behind churches
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"