ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
