Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
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I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
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He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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