1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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