chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
