Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
